Satire: When Was the Last Time You Brushed Your Teeth?

We cover everything in the Small/Medium world, whether it be wars, alliances, scandals, or any other smaller topics. However, today the Small Medium Army League turns its lens to a more pressing issue that haunts our community behind the scenes: basic oral hygiene. When was the last time you actually brushed your teeth? Few ask this question in the community, so it is time for it to finally get covered in this satire post.

While the majority of people view teeth brushing as a daily necessity, the army community has a completely different set of rules. When wars are declared, invasions are scheduled, or regular events occur, personal health often gets pushed back in favor of spamming tactics and pinging within the army’s server.

To get to the root of this issue, the Small Medium Army League interviewed 45 people to see where our troops and leaders stand when it comes to brushing.

When was the last time you brushed your teeth?

Yellow Typer, SMAL Admin: Last time I brushed my teeth was 121 years ago

Midnight, DW Leader: 5 minutes ago

Ghostt, SMAL Advisor: Yesterday morning (it is 1am for me right now)

Mashu/Rockstar1819, DW Advisor: Last night

anniehilator, SL SiT: yesterday at 16 bc i woke up at 16

xusi, Pontian Warriors Leader: You’re supposed to brush your teeth?

GreenVege, SL Leader: today morning

yuii, SL Leader: I brushed my teeth before coming to uni

klombe, FV and Pizzaioli Leader: the day before i joined my first army

Denizmyn, ATCP Leader: how would i know? i dont keep track of a you in this town

Fun X Time, SF Leader: I brushed my teeth with my CPA aura, whenever that was.

the_alternate, SWCP Leader: yesterday IG?

Twilight, FV Leader: The morning of 6/7/1967

Thunder, SL Leader: ermm, probably when xusi stopped being nice to me

Hoyeon, Romans SiT: Last night?…

Shadow, SL HCOM: Last time? I don’t keep track of ancient history 🙏

TD999/Monstah, “Strawhats Supreme Commander”: uh what does brushing mean?

rip_Hydra, SL SiT: huh brushing ur teeth? how do i even do that and what even is that

Elite888, MB Staff: Good question. The last time i brushed my teeth was probably when i was still a baby when my mom did it for me but now that I’m a very responsible teen who spends his life in cpa abnd who lives in his mother’s basement, i have not considered to brush my teeth since.

mimi, SR Veteran: 67 years ago

Megha, SMAL Head Moderator: 600 years ago….

brightnewdawn, TCP LiT: i let all of my teeth rot out to save more time to lead club penguin armies

morningdew, FV Staff: We are supposed to brush our teeth!? No one told me that

Mz, CPA Associate Editor: I do not engage in any form of witchcraft, and my teeth are naturally covered with algae, which prevents them from sunburn. I find it objectionable that individuals clean their teeth, thereby removing the protective layer.

Mato, SMAL Head Moderator: The day before smal reopened

turtel, MB HCOM: i dont remember 🤔🤔 2020 was 2 showers ago so probably 2015

znation, Romans Leader: whats that? whats brushing

Pandor, FV Advisor (ig): 10 years ago

Fwapo, TCP Staff: My last time i brushed my teeth is when unwanted creatures wanted to live inside them 4 years ago. I never touched them afterwards.

MasterShadow, FV HCOM: Idk this morning, but it’s been more than 2 months since I used toothpaste, I js brush my teeth

AB, MB HCOM: August 9 5:30pm MST [this one interview was conducted 10 Aug 2026. 2:07AM EST]

zall, MB HCOM: Today (yes im the last remaining non smelly cpa member)

Yotagy, PW 2ic: 3 MINUTES AGO I JUST WOKE UP😭

Shakira, FV Advisor: when i brushed my teeth around when you [me] were sleeping so one would say three hours ago.. at the time, i believed the battle was over, the mint was strong, the bristles were victorious, and the kingdom of enamel knew peace. but three hours have passed and the bacteria have awakened.. the tongue has betrayed me and the plaque is at its gates.. i fear.. i may have to brush again so make the last time i brushed would approximately be.. in the future, like in 2 minutes but if im feeling lazy then i will brush when i want to sleep which is also in the future so in 11 hours

Kmart, SMAL RiT: Today

dinoplay2500, SL Staff: yesterday

CladeKOA, DW Staff: This morning??

Yols, SL Staff: Before every event

Vióle, DW HCOM: When I woke up this morning 😭😭😭😭

Armenzia/Terry Dodge, PIC Veteran: This morning at 6:00am

momo, SL HCOM: The last time I brushed my teeth was this morning almost 13 hours ago🫪 [← this is an apple emoji]

Immortalchickans, DW HCOM: A few hours ago

smurf, Romans Advisor: Approximately 3:54 AM today

Ayeeti, FV Council Member: About 3 hours ago

O Rei, DW HCOM: son. i brushed my teeth uh a day ago

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Based on our interviews, a majority of the sample, 53.4 percent, have brushed their teeth within the past week. However, that leaves an incredible 35.6 percent who haven’t brushed in months or even years, with one letting their teeth rot out to lead their army more efficiently (peak dedication, if I say so myself). To top it off, another 6.7 percent genuinely have no idea when a toothbrush last entered their mouth.

Although the majority of our community maintains standard oral hygiene, a significant portion of our league simply cannot take the time to. Whether troops are sacrificing their oral health for higher event maxes or simply forgetting what toothpaste is, the grind clearly waits for no one. Although many see their community as more important, is your army worth the cavities?

regalmf / zuj0t
Reporter in Training